This is just a ramble. I need to get out of my head. I need to vent somehow
Trying to defeat all these negative and suicidal thoughts is draining the life that I have left. Again. Trapped in this retail cyclone. I don’t have a camera, haven’t had one for a little bit of a month now. My creativity is at a stand still. I ordered a new camera and its making me so anxious. What if I didn’t choose the right one? What if I don’t like it? I miss my best friend. I miss having her to ramble about nonsense with. I miss our random smoke sessions. I doubt she misses me. Everyone keeps saying that maybe we will eventually come back to one another, but I don’t think that’s the case. I tried to plan two different things for my birthday, both fell thru. I think I’ve officially lost the loml. It hurts, I should have seen it coming, but it hurts reaally fucking bad. I don’t wanna keep holding her back from being happy cause that’s all she deserves. But the selfish side of me wants to be the main source of happiness for her. I wasn’t doing as I should have on my end, so I guess I deserve this hurt? I am alone. I feel very alone. &very empty. 2 years ago I tried to take my own life so I didn’t have to keep going thru this cycle of sadness, and I’m glad I’m almost to 26, but it still hurts. I still feel empty. I still feel alone. I still feel stuck. Do I want to make it to 26? Do I want to keep pushing thru this hurtful empty alone-ness? For however many years. 2018 I backtracked and lost so much and now I’m just here. Stuck. Alone. Hurting. And that’s it.
